Team Fortress One Shots
by Ivan Broddy
Summary: Old situations, New complications, Something familiar, Something peculiar, Something for Everyone, Fan fiction tonight. Contains General Team, Red Spy/Scout Ma, Tentaspy, and other fun stuff! Send me a message in the reviews for more story ideas.
1. A Day at the Beach

**At the Beach**

_Another abandoned fiction of mine_

Jack sat on the beach with his plastic pail and shovel. His parents were taking him to the beach for the day, but there wasn't anything to do. His father was sitting on the beach roasting himself in the sun and his mother was reading a magazine with pictures of houses and kitchen appliances. Father was cross all the time now. He used to work lots his mother told him. Father used sell wool to the army for uniforms but there weren't any wars happening so they didn't need uniforms anymore. Now he just looked after a bunch of smelly old sheep.

He grumbled, he wished there were more wars. He would go fight in the wars, that way Father would have work and smile more often. He would say that Jack was a hero instead of a "weak little bugger".

As Jack walked farther along the sand, he came across some large rocks in the water. There was another boy standing waist deep in the foamy white water playing with a crab. Curious, Jack carefully tripped over the rocks to sit on one of the larger craggy rocks. He carefully lowered himself down so that his long legs were dangling in the water.

"Hello there." The boy turned in surprise and smiled. He had shaggy dark hair that went just past his ears. His hair was dark, like his eyes. Those eyes, the pupils were dark and black as tar.

"Uh...Hi. What's your name?" Jack felt suddenly nervous. There was something about the other boy's face that made him feel strange, uncomfortable. The other boy's smile was real, but in the teeth, Jack felt there was something alien. Unable to look the other boy in the eye, he focused his attention to the crab scuttling on the black rocks.

"Well what's yours?" The boy reached over and grabbed the crab by a leg, pulling it closer. His pale arm stretched out and Jack jerked his arm back suddenly.

Jack crossed his arms, disguising the motion. He frowned and splashed his feet idly in the pool. "The name's Jack."

"Really? Mine's...Jaques"

"Your name is Jack? Yeah right. You just made that up now." Jack taunted and looked at Jaques again. What a bloody freak with his weird eyes. As Jaques's skin flushed the crab quickly scuttled further away out of reach of both the boys.

Jaques bristled "Did not, That would be pathetic! Who would want to copy you?"

"Loads of people!" Jack splashed the other boy with his foot.

The other boy smirked and put his hands on his hips, "Like who?"

Jack opened his mouth angrily about to make a smart retort, but once again, words seemed to fail him. It wasn't his fault really, actions speak louder than words and all that. That was another thing about Jaques he didn't like, he spoke like a poof. "Well...at least I don't have a stupid voice! 'Moy name eez Jacks!' "

He spoke in a squeaky voice, a poor imitation of a french accent, and stuck out his tongue. Jaques gave him a look and retorted quickly, "Moi name ez Jack! Oi scare off crabs and can't socialize for shit!"

Suddenly, Jack jumped into the shallow water. "Piss off you bloody wanker, I sound nothing like that!" he raised his fists and Jaques backed further into the water. Jack grabbed a rock with his hand and was about to brain the other boy when he heard an ear piercing shriek from behind him.

"Jack Mundy!" Jack's face fell in horror as he turned his head. The sight of his mother marching towards him in her blue swimsuit was a terrifying sight. Jack was unsure wether to swim for it, or wait for her maternal wrath."What are you doing with that rock? Put it down right this instant and come back here!" She punctuated the last two words by stamping her foot and pointing at the ground by her feet.

Jaques was snickering, "That is your mother? She is a ball of fire!"

If it wasn't for his mother breathing down his neck, Jack would have had some choice phrases, hand gestures, and weapons for that smug kid to have stuck in his face. He was roughly pulled out of the water back onto the hot sand, left in his dripping swim trunks like a wet rat.

"Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry if Jack was rude to you!" She smiled sweetly, a complete change from earlier.

Jack frowned as he heard Jaques suck up to his mom like a toad. "Oh, it was nothing Madame."

"Oh aren't you sweet." Jack nearly gagged, "Okay Jack, you're going back to get some rest. Say goodbye to your friend."

"WANKER!" Jack hollered as a last act of defiance, before being carted off to the metaphorical gallows.


	2. Sunshine and Lollipops

**Sunshine and Lollipops**

_Potential Part 2 coming soon_

"This is freaking freezing! You'd think that HQ could just fly us over to Egypt like last time?"

"Oh I'm sorry, would you like me to curtsy and drink tea with her highness? This is war cupcake, man up!" Scout wipped spittle off his cheek as the Soldier stomped off to grab more ammo for his rocket launcher. It was half an hour until it was time to fight. They had to capture another control point and hold it for three minutes. Scout wasn't entirely sure how important it was that the point was controlled, but he sure as hell wasn't going to let the other team do it, despite how cold it felt.

The wood of the respawn room creaked in the cold wind blowing around Coldfront. The walls were thin and the windows were practically broken, leaving icy gusts to blow through the room. Scout was right in front of the door so that he could sprint for the point as soon as it was available.

Scout jogged in place and blew into his hands to warm them. What he would give to spray fire like Pyro, or be able to pull up a warm dispenser like Engineer, or have an actual coat like-

"MEDIC!" Heavy ran into the respawn room, hefting his giant gun like it weighed nothing.

The Medic looked up from the many dials on the medigun he was fiddling with, and adjusted his glasses. "Yes Heavy, what is it?"

Heavy pulled a knitted hat from his pocket, it was identical to the hat he was wearing, blue and yellow stripes with tassels hanging from the ear flaps. "You forgot hat!"

"Ah," Medic pulled the hat over his head and picked up his medigun, "Thank you herr Heavy. I'm ready."

Scout shifted from one foot to the other, "Hey Fatso, you got an extra hat?"

"Nyet," Heavy paused and thought for a moment, "Could ask Engineer for winter hat?"

Scout thought for a moment then looked over to Engineer in the corner, "Hey Engie! Do you have a-"

"Nope."

He didn't even look up from the toolbox he was digging through. Scout huffed and stuck out his tongue, "Asshole."

"Should not call Engineer bad names" Heavy frowned down at Scout. "If want hat or coat, can get one from home, or buy in town"

"I don't need a coat, it'll just get in my way." Scout could remember running home in Boston, his coat was thick and he couldn't move his arms right. It also made him too hot, if you were running everywhere, a coat made you overheat.

"Haha, your age I think I am invincible also. Now, I know I am invincible," Heavy smiled at Medic who tried to look stern, but couldn't help but smile.

"Heavy, how many times have I told you? You are not invincible. You must be careful, the Ubercharge only lasts so long and you cannot become overconfident."

"I have Medic, Sandvich and Sascha. Do not think I need anything else" Heavy laughed once more and moved to his gun, going over the gleaming metal with a rag once more.

Scout grumbled as he was soon ignored. He bounced on his toes to keep warm and bled warm air into his hands, when he was nearly knocked over by a large hand hitting him on the back.

"Jeez man!" Scout turned to see Demoman smiling at him. He wrinkled his nose at the strong stench of scrumpy rolling off the drunk in waves.

"Do you know what you need lad?"

"A vacation?" If they won, they got first vacation of the year. Vacations were staggered to provide incentive, and reduce change of missionaries of opposite teams meeting each other and forming a dreaded friendship. You only had to look at Soldier and his gunboats to be reminded not to ever make friends on the battlefield.

Demo laughed loudly, "That's tomorrow. No, what you need is a drink." To emphasize his point, he took a long swig from his bottle of death.

"That's a load of crap. I'd die if I drank that poison."

"It's not poison." Demo looked shocked and almost insulted, "I make it myself. An old family recipe you see, top secret. Also, if I can trust you to keep a secret" He leaned over conspiratorially, "I use it in my pipe bombs, gives them that extra kick."

Scout frowned in thought, "Really?"

"Really. Other way round too, take the old pipe bombs, and add them to the scrumpy mix, then you have a party!"

As Demo pushed Scout to take a drink, they were interrupted by the very loud, and very noticeable sound of a dead ringer.

The pair whirled around to see the spy decloak. He looked smug catching them off guard. He raised a cigarette to his lips,

"Gentlem-"

"JARATE!"

There was a hush between those spoken words and the resounding crash that followed. Every eye in the dingy room was focused on the blue spy, dripping, and looking like a drenched cat.

Then, much like an alley cat left out in the rain, he pounced.

"Mon dieu! What the hell did you do that for you filthy bushman!" Spy strode over to the Sniper leaning in the doorway.

Sniper scratched his chin idly, "I recon that if you come into the room cloaked like that, I have the right to spy check you."

"Then fire a god damned bullet at me!" Spy shook his arms in emphasis, sending the entire team to move to the edge of the room, to prevent getting sprayed in Sniper's infamous Jarate.

"My gun's up in the tower," Sniper shrugged "I just came down here to grab another knife"

"A knife? I'll show you a knife you piss flinging monkey!" Spy took the knife in his right hand slashed along the Sniper's chest.

Sniper doubled over, clutching at his chest. He wasn't bleeding, of course it wasn't. It was impossible to be physically hurt by your team's weapons. It couldn't stop from causing pain that the knife was doing quite well at this point.

"Bloody Wanker!" Sniper threw a punch that connected solidly with the Spy's jaw. He pulled himself upright a scowled at the rest of the room. The entire room was watching them with mixed reactions. Suddenly self-conscious, Sniper pulled his hat over his face and walked out the door, leaving quietly as he arrived.

Scout stepped backwards, away from the spreading puddle of Jarate where the Spy was formerly standing. It dripped into the cracks of the floor running along the worn wooden grooves. As he stared at the yellowish liquid, he was surprised to see it start to freeze.

"Hey Spy! Better change that suit, you'll turn into a spysickle." Scout laughed as the Spy ran into the base, ripping off his suit jacket.

Engineer had put up a dispenser by this time inside the respawn room. It hummed lightly and Scout moved over, to huddle next to its warmth. Pyro was there too, happily putting out little spurts of flame into the air.

Taking a couple baseballs out from the bottom of the dispenser, Scout proceeded to juggle three of the balls to warm up his hands. After a while, he notied the eerie gas masked gaze of Pyro on him.

"Pyro, do you know how to juggle?"

"Mmph Muf!"

Pyro took the balls from Scout and, clumsily started to juggle.

"Man, that's not bad. I can do even better than that though. Watch this."

Scout took four balls and started to juggle with ease. He watched the baseballs soar through the air, catching them with perfect timing. The movement was hypnotizing, broken by a loud exclamation of,

"Mmph!"

"Oh yeah, right. Go nuts."

"Mump?"

"Sure" Scout was never quite sure what Pyro was saying. It was best to nod, smile, and in general act friendly. Pyro was a nice guy, but god if spy checks weren't the most painful thing he'd ever felt.

A bright spurt of flame lit up the room and Scout fell backwards, "Woah woah woah!"

Pyro stood in a blaze of burning glory, juggling eight burning baseballs. He caught them easily in the gloved hands and threw them back up. The fire reflected off the lenses of the as mask and shone over the flameproof suit. Scout felt his mouth fall open in awe watching Pyro play with the fire.

As soon as it had started, it ended. The charred and black baseballs were burnt down to half their original size. They were giving off black smoke and the sick scent of burnt rubber.

"Well I'll be. Pyro, that was a hell of a show." Engineer leaned against the dispenser. He smiled and give Pyro the thumbs up. "I'm planning to set up a sentry right near the point, behind that big rock over there. You wouldn't mind sweeping the area once and a while would ya?"

"Mmph mm mph" Pyro replied cheerfully.

"Thanks pardner"

"Hey Pyro, could you let off some more fire? It's still pretty chilly" Scout had his hands over the charred remains of the baseballs, soaking up the remaining heat

The sounds of Soldier's metal gunboats filled the room once again. "Alright ladies, one minute till battle! Hup to, left right left right!"

Spy ran back into the room in a new suit, smelling strongly of cologne.

"One Minute until battle!" The omnipotent voice of the announcer sounded coldly through the room.

Medic started filling his charge on Heavy, the crackle and glow of the medigun playing off his glasses. The Demo took another swig of his drink and checked his grenade launcher once again. Engineer put his gear into the toolbox to carry out, while Pyro helped pack up the stray nuts and bolts. Scout glanced at the Spy, leafing through his disguises to choose the disguise of the Red Spy.

Scout's gut turned at this. Nothing against Spies, apart from the fact that they were all backstabbing cowards, but the Red Spy was a real ass. He was dating his mother. Scout gritted his teeth, he was going to go home over the vacation to visit his mother. If he had to sit there with the Red Spy at the dinner table someone would end up dead.

"Fifteen seconds."

Scout gripped his scattergun tighter and tensed his body for the countdown.

"Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Get Moving!"

Scout's legs kicked into gear before his mind did. He found himself halfway to the point before he knew what was happening.

Keeping his eyes open, his first target was the Red Engineer. As he moved to the red side, he was surprised to see he wasn't in his usual spot. He was about to head for the spawn when he saw the enemy Pyro start to run towards him with the enemy Heavy following close behind.

Scout turned on his heel to run up to the wooden bridge where the enemy sniper would be.

The Red sniper was scoped in on the Medic, he'd just killed the Soldier mid-rocket jump and was feeling rather proud of himself when he heard something.

"Hudda Hu!"

The felt himself pushed forward, knocking off his shot. The pellets of lead lodged firmly in his back. Another three seconds and he felt himself falling into the swirling blackness of respawn.

As Scout pumped a final burst of lead into the Sniper, he felt flames hit his back and he ran for it, leaving a trail of fire behind him.

"Fire, Fire! Medic!"

As he sprinted towards his side, he knew he was doomed, the health pack was too far away and he had no idea where Medic was. Crap, crap, crap on a stick,. Scout's feet flew over the ground when, suddenly there was a crashing noise, and a blissful moment when Scout realized, he wasn't on fire.

He stopped still and took a deep breath of relief, followed by a cough of disgust as he realized what had put out the fire. Looking up, he could see the Sniper above him on a sniping platform.

"Thanks man!" Scout shouted up at Sniper. He'd rather be covered in piss then on fire when it came down to it.

Sniper looked down and gave a smile to Scout, which turned to a look of horror. Scout felt confused, what was wrong with him? Was it the pee or was it-?

He didn't have time to finish the thought before he felt the blade of a butterfly knife lodged firmly in his back and the icy cold feeling of the ground rushing up to meet him.


	3. Pancakes

_Just a quick chapter. You can consider this a slight sequel to 'Sunshine and Lollipops'_

The warm scent of home made pancakes drifted through the air into the nostrils of the sleeping Frenchman. Rolling onto his side, the Red Spy smiled at the familiar smell. Languidly stretching, the man pushed himself up to rub his eyes.

He was feeling wonderful. It was odd considering the circumstances. Waking up in a dingy room in desperate need of cleaning in a bed with sheets slightly too coarse would normally be considered to be unfavorable. Perhaps it was the wonderful night he had experienced earlier, that was probably it, the Spy remarked as he reached over for his cigarette case.

There was a pause as he remembered the rules of the house he was staying in, no smoking. Sighing, the Spy put down his precious disguise kit and went to dress himself. His suit from the night before was crumpled on the floor. Picking it up, he sighed and shook it to loosen the worst of the dust and wrinkles, ironing could wait until the afternoon.

Not long after, the Spy was standing straight in his traditional red three-piece suit. The mask was still in place, the suit pressed and clean. Checking his appearance in the dusty aged mirror, the Spy smiled at his reflection. He was still handsome, the mask helped cover the few wrinkles and the solitary white hairs.

Striding out the door to the bedroom, the Spy strode towards the kitchen where a woman in a blue dress was fussing over the stove.

"Awake already Alain?" She pronounced it Allen, it was easier with her accent. Otherwise it sounded like Elaine, rather emasculating considering it meant 'Handsome'.

"Of course ma Cherie," He slipped his arms around her waist as he looked over her shoulder at the bubbling pancake batter.

She laughed and play swatted him with the spatula, "You charmer, if you make me burn these you're going to have to eat them all."

He looked towards the enormous stack of pancakes she was making, "All of them? I'm afraid you'd kill me with your good cooking."

She turned towards the plate as if seeing it for the first time. Pursing her lips, she sized it up, "I'm too used to feeding a crowd. I swear, when those boys were younger they would eat like hogs. Especially Brian, pancakes were his favorite food. Every Sunday, 'Mom, I want pancakes!' 'Can we have pancakes?' " Chuckling, she slipped the spatula under the cakes and flipped them over, revealing a toasted golden brown underside.

Spy went to the wooden drawer, taking out two sets of cutlery, "That sounds a lot like him." The Blu Scout, or Brian was a sensitive topic. When she had first heard about their jobs, she had nearly killed the both of them.

"Anyway, I'm sure when comes over on Saturday we'll be having pancakes again." She brought over two plates and sat down in her seat.

Spy frowned as he set the table, "Rachel, you didn't tell me Brian was coming over to visit."

Rachel ignored the Spy pour them both a glass of juice, "Well it's only Thursday. I think you boys should get to know each other a little better. After all Alain, we've been together for a couple years now. You're both going to have to learn to deal with each other."

"I'm not a child Rachel." The Spy felt it wasn't right to call him Alain when things were important. He'd first introduced himself by that name when they'd first met, before she knew he was a spy or killing her son. She knew it wasn't his real name, but kept it as a pet name of sorts.

"Well then Spy," He winced, Spy wasn't any better, "Do you want me to phone up the poor boy? I'll just tell him, 'No sweetie you can't come home. Alain can't handle it. It's okay, you can just come over for next year's break'" She stabbed a pancake violently, cutting it with a clack of her knife.

"You're right," The Spy crossed him long legs and poured syrup on his pancakes, "You can't do that. But you have to warn me. You can't just keep secrets from me like that."

"Really? I can't keep secrets like that? You seem to keep quite a few secrets and I don't complain. I don't complain when the ladies down at the bridge club talk behind my back about the man in the mask who comes and goes from my house. I don't complain when I know my man and my baby are killing each other every day. It's all peaches and cream aint it?"

Her voice rose as she stared pointedly at her plate.

The Spy pushed out his chair, he went to put his arm around her and he felt her lean into his arms. "I hate this, you know that?"

"I know. My contract ends next year, after that I can stay more. We could have a big house wherever you like, and you can go shopping whenever you like." He pulled up the images he'd been dreaming of the past year. The images of when he'd settle down with an attractive Bostonian woman.

Rachel sniffed and her voice grew quieter, "Could you promise me a wedding?"

There was a silence. the only sound was the hum of the electric lights and the roar of cars from the road outside.

The Spy lifted her chin so he could look her in the eyes. "We'll have the most marvelous wedding in the history of Boston."

The two of them looked into each other's eyes in hope, one year and they'd have their dreams in front of them. Until them, there was nothing to do but wait.

"Now lets eat, ma petite Chou-fleur."

The Spy turned on the radio in the living room. The apartment was small and the music from the radio floated into the dining room. He wasn't a fan of rock, but Rachel liked it. She could dance like nothing else, although he liked a different sort of music.

He was eating his way through yet another pancake when he felt a tug on his arm. Rachel was standing next to him smiling, "Lets dance to this song!" He listened; it was an older song, perfect for slow dancing.

Spy got up, placing his cutlery down neatly. Nodding his head, he took her hand and led her into the living room. Stepping onto the carpet, he took her waist and the two of them swayed together.

Rachel placed her head on Spy's chest, while he pulled her in tighter, moving a hand to hold the back of her head. In that room the two of them were safe. It was comfortable and warm. Spy could forget the war he was fighting, the war that might not ever end. Rachel could forget her sons, the ones enlisted in wars, the ones going through hard times. What mattered at that time was just the two of them.

Rachel kissed the Spy, and the two stopped dancing as the music faded out. A man and a woman in love together, with a plate of pancakes forgotten.


	4. Not Fair Fengineer

_Contains FemEngineer. I like Engineer/Sniper. Should I put a warning in the title? Eh, I think it'll be okay._

Engineer took off her hat and wiped off her brow, shaking out her brown hair. The Dustbowl heat was starting to get to her. She put down the Level three Dispenser she had built earlier and watched it unfold itself, hitting it with her wrench for good measure. She stretched her muscular arms, she was thickly built and short. There was no way around it, but she still looked feminine with big eyes, wide hips, and thick wavy brown hair she liked to keep tied up while she was working.

It was the second stage of Dustbowl and the Engineer was camped up by the second point. She had climbed above the doorway to shoot the Blu team before they could even make it to the point. Unfortunately, there was no shade to protect her from the heat. As she sat atop her dispenser, spy checking her teammates who ventured up for more health and ammo, the Engineer felt himself boiling in her thick overalls and work shirt. She undid two of the buttons on her shirt, fanning herself with her gloved hand. Looking across the way, she winked at the Sniper who was camped on the building across from her. The Sniper quickly adverted his eyes to focus on the doorway below her. They had just lost the first point but the Engineer wasn't bothered at all.

The Engineer and the Sniper had been seeing each other for the past month. It was't easy being the only lady on the Red team, but she managed well enough. The Sniper and her had been friends before, she really started to fall for him when the two of them would play their instruments together. He would play the banjo, she would play the guitar, and they would both sing as loud or as long as they liked. The only problem was, the Sniper was a bad kisser. He was a great guy, a real gentleman, always kind, but he was a bad kisser.

It was one night when they were both outside drinking together. It was a day after a good victory, and the Pyro had set up a bonfire. The two of them were playing together, sitting next to each other on a long log. Victory also meant beer, something the two of them enjoyed quite a bit. The Sniper and the Engineer had just toasted their victory, smiling and laughing together when she Engineer felt a wet splash against her arm. Looking up, rain began to pour down onto the parched ground.

She had grabbed the Sniper's arm and began to tug him into the base as the rain picked up. Instead he'd tugged her towards his van which was sitting closer than the base. Grabbing their instruments and picking the case of beer under her arm, the two of them ran off to the Sniper's camper van. Once they were inside, it all went a bit crazy. The Sniper was a quiet man, professional around others. He liked to stay that way on the battlefield and around the team mates. However, once he was in his van, he was a little less uptight.

They'd both sat on the Sniper's bed, there was nowhere else to sit. They were both soaking wet and the Engineer had taken off her hardhat and goggles. They both sat together silently, she wasn't sure what do. Nervously, she'd asked if she could set her guitar down over by, well anything but the jarate jars. The two of them sat quietly on the bed each with a beer in hand as they heard the drum of raindrops on the roof of the van. She noticed that the Sniper was gripping his beer awfully hard, drumming his fingers on his knee.

"Hey, you doin' okay over there?"

"Oim Fine" He looked off to the side and took a sip from his bottle. He pressed his lips together and took off his aviators, setting them on a small wooden table next to the mattress.

Engineer was a bit peeved, it was obvious something wasn't just fine. "If you're jumpy that I'm in your van it's okay. I'm not judging you or anything."

"It's not that." He looked at her, but not in the eye. His eyes flitted from her hair, to her hands, to her nose. Sighing he set his beer down. "Listen..."

"I'm here for you, tell me anything you want." She leaned forward, the Sniper looked especially nervous. Was it his parents again? She'd been there the last time he'd called them.

"I..." He grimaced and pushed his face against hers.

He was kissing her! Oh lord he was kissing her! She froze as she felt his lips against hers. They were rough and chapped from the dust. His mouth moved sloppily and tasted like alcohol. She kissed him back and he wrapped his arm around her back, their lips moved apart and the two were left breathing hard, but he pressed their lips together again. They bumped noses and, she winced inwardly. He wasn't the best kisser. Beyond the beer, his mouth tasted like coffee. He gripped her arms a bit too hard, and his lips moved a bit too slow for her enjoyment. He let out a groan and he moved to kiss the side of her mouth. She grimaced, she didn't like that one bit, and groaning? That was going a bit too far.

She closed her eyes and tried to enjoy the kissing, she wrapped her arms around his neck, feeling his stubble rub against her arms. The two of them fell backwards onto the bed, Engineer bumped her head on the edge of the bed. There was a brief muttered sorry, before the two of them continued kissing. A moment later, the Engineer realized her legs were tangled beneath her. Trying to untangle them, she accidentally hit the Sniper's knee with her boot, knocking him down on top of her.

Unf, Sniper pushed himself up onto his forearms, still leaning over her. His brown eyes stared into hers nervously, but she sat upright, smiling warmy. Pulling him into a deep hug, she pressed herself against him so he wouldn't see the look of annoyance in her face.

The Engineer stopped daydreaming when she heard a familiar patter of feet. She turned to see a flash of blue, stark against the red and brown dust. The sentry gun beeped its warning then fired a rocket at the unfortunate Scout, turning him into giblets of blood and flesh. Engineer chuckled, stupid kid. There was a sort of satisfaction seeing her own creation effectively destroy human life. Hell, wasn't that the more interesting part? Build a gun to kill, kill effectively, kill spectacularly. Another cry of pain as the Blu Demoman was blasted away before he could shoot enough pipe bombs.

Her Mama had said that dignified ladies didn't play in the workshop with the other boys. When she had applied to a University after turning down a boy, her mother nearly cried. It sure wasn't easy, but she'd found a place that would take her. She wasn't happy settling down and having babies like the rest of her old friends, guns and machinery were her calling.

It was just a year after she had graduated and was looking for work that she was picked up by RED. It was a dream come true to work with the new technology.

Laughing, the Engineer repaired the slight damage. She'd gotten a good position to cover the doorways, she had only gotten sapped once and she'd knocked that off pretty quick. There was even a domination against the Blu Demoman. Days like that just made her feel glad to be alive. The sentry gun's kill count went higher and higher. Double digits and counting.

"Good going hardhat!" the Scout flashed her a thumbs up as he chugged a Bonk, dashing through the choke point.

The Engineer tipped his hat then turned to the Medic and the Heavy as they ran through, "Hey, don't let 'em build an Uber over there. I think we can win this one."

The Heavy hoisted his gun and smiled at the Medic, "We will crush puny team. We have better gun and better Medic!"

The Medic checked the dial on his Ubercharge meter, "Just vone more minute, zhen zhere will be a true bloodbath."

The Engineer raised a wry eyebrow. The medic had that familiar red glow that built as his Ubercharge did. The Engineer was no stranger to it, she got a fair bit in the glow of his dispenser. It was like drinking a good beer, refreshing and exhilarating, but afterwards waning yourself off the fumes was difficult to say the least. Engineer remembered the last ceasefire, it lasted two weeks. That entire time, Medic never once touched his Medigun because there was no reason to, he was grumpy and irritable the entire time. Engineer always had a dispenser around him. She considered it more important than a sentry gun. The fumes wern't as strong, not as strong as the Medigun but Engineer sure as hell wasn't going to give it up.

The clock was counting down, just five minutes left in the battle. The Engineer looked towards the Sniper, stationed on the building across from him. She sent a small wave over to the other man. Suddenly, the Engineer heard the boom of the Sniper's Machina. Ducking, the Engineer looked to see the form of the Blu Spy slumped over his dispenser. Lifting her head, the Engineer smiled at the Sniper. Although the Sniper's eyes remained covered, the Engineer liked to imagine that the side of the Sniper's mouth turned up in a smirk.

"Mission ends in ten seconds."

The Engineer tried to stay calm, not jump down from her ledge and go wild with her shotgun. She saw the change in his team mates as they prepared for the end of their match. The Sniper helf his gun a little looser and he could see the Soldier starting to grin in anticipation for the killing spree to ensue.

"Victory"

"HooWee! Engineer jumped down from the ledge above the door and started shooting at her disarmed enemies. The Engineer gunned down her male counterpart, taking a moment to dance over the corpse before it respawned. Sometimes if she was lucky, the enemy would respawn and the Engineer could kill the Blues, over and over.

Engineer turned to a hand on his shoulder.

"Good job Trucky" The Sniper grinned gave her a quick wet peck on the cheek. He had to bend over pretty far, it made Engineer feel shorter than she really was. Engineer discretely wiped off the saliva and started walking with him back to their base, "I recon we should set us up a fire tonight. I'll bring some beer and you bring the guitar"

"Sounds like a plan Stretch" The Engineer lifted her goggles, wincing as the sun's bright rays stung her eyes. She entwined her hand with his and the two of them went to celebrate with the rest of their team. Looking into the sky, the Engineer thought she could even see the faint smudge of rain clouds against the bright sky.


	5. Bushman's Rules

_I'm trying to improve my dialogue, but my mind just said _

"And then I was like, Screw you man! Then I bashed his brains out." The BluScout chuckled as he swung with his arm for good measure. Laughing, the boy took up his greasy rag and began cleaning his gun.

The Sniper was sitting across from him, his own gun disassembled. His large hands moved over the metal carefully, handling it like it was made of glass despite the beating it took in battle daily. The Blu Sniper kept his gaze on his gun, ignoring the boy chattering in front of him. It had jammed that day; he was about to reload when he felt the mechanism catch. It was the Spy, hit it with that damned butterfly knife. It wasn't his fault; he was lucky to have turned around in time for it to just catch his riffle.

"Man, you should have seen how much blood there was! And it wasn't even mine for once, you know what I'm gettin at Snipes? Hello?" The Scout pouted and waved his hand in front of the Sniper's aviators, "Anyone there? James?"

The Sniper's hand shot out and grabbed the Scout's. "Do not call me that."

"That's your name aint it? I told you mine, fair's fair."

"That doesn't mean you can use it around here!" The Sniper looked at the Scout over the top of his glasses. It wasn't professional to be using names on the battlefield. Names made things personal and in this business, he couldn't afford it to be. Once it got personal you started getting attached. That just made it harder for you to shoot them in the head the next day.

"Oh what's the matter. Someone gonna rat you out to the Administrator? I know she's a scary bitch and all but she'd not gonna kill ya. You're the best Sniper I've ever seen! Hell of a lot better then that Red Sniper." The Scout crossed his arms and leaned back triumphantly. "Actually, about my name, it's pretty sweet you have to agree."

"Yeah, sure," The Sniper put his Sniping riffle back together and checked through the scope. He'd forgotten already.

The Scout struck a pose on the crate he was sitting on, "Michael Casey! The next time you're hearing my name, it's on the radio. It just sounds like I should be on a baseball card. Bashin' balls is way easier than bashin' in heads. For one thing, they don't try and hit you back. Last week I was dueling the Pyro and that fat-ass mumbler was freakin' insane! He started-"

Michael continued talking animatedly, waving his arms in the air. He didn't care, James told himself. The kid was young enough to be his own probably. He was the baby of the team. The other day, the kid had been up in his sniping post talking a river. It wasn't until he stopped talking that the Sniper had the mind to turn around and gun down the Red Spy. Heh, the kid wasn't so bad. Annoying, but perfect as a canary in the coal mine.

"Then the Heavy came up and he was being his own fat self. So I went up to him and I ran circles around him, literally! And that stupid medic was yelling being all German and shit. Our doc sure it weird but he ain't as weird as that other crack pot doctor. I've seen him carry birds around on the battlefield. Freakin' birds! They're freaking with their beady little eyes. I like our doc. He has rats. Rats are fluffy and warm, not like those winged freaks."

The Sniper paused as absorbed the information. He brought out his knife, "Scout, are you afraid of birds?"

"No way man!" The Scout laughed nervously, "It's just their eyes are weird. They're black and beady and shit. I was watchin' movies with Pyro last night and we saw this documentary, The Birds. It was insane! These birds kept attacking people."

"Umm, Scout"

"So I think that the Red Medic is training his birds to peck out our eyes! And it won't even kill us if they do. We'll just be walking around with our eyes bleeding on the battlefield like dead meat or somethin'.

"Ha, you know that wasn't real" The sniper wiped down his blood stained knife, looking at the Scout's shocked expression.

"You've gotta be kidding me. It said, based on a story. And those birds looked pretty real to me. I'm telling you, birds are bad news."

"Sure they are, but you know, I've seen a lot of scary movies in my time."

"Really?" The Scout leaned forward, "I bed they don't have real American cinema down in that Aussie land"

The Sniper raised an eyebrow as he taunted the younger man, "Who are you the Soldier?"

"Hell No!"

"Then let me tell you what it's like in Australia, birds? Birds are for pansies, mate. In Australia, the coast is fine, sure you can get your killer sharks that can swallow a man whole, microscopic jellyfish that can paralyze a man with one touch, leaving his gasping and foaming at the mouth like a fish out of water. Those are just kids stories compared to the real Australian outback." The Sniper smiled a wicked grin as he saw the Scout lean forwards anxiously, hanging onto his every word.

"This one time, I was sent out as a game hunter. That's what I used to hunt down, the biggest croc I ever hunted was twenty feet long."

"Oh god!"

"Yeah, he had killed five natives. They couldn't kill it with their spears. I went down there and I figured, one good shot from my riffle would settle her. I was dead wrong. I camped out by the water where it lived. I was high up in a tree, nothing on me but the clothes on by back, my riffle, and my knife. I waited in that tree for an entire day and saw neither hide nor hair of the beastie. It was late in the afternoon when I saw a snake on the branch ahead of me, everything was quiet. The snake was winding its way along the branch, it dipped it's head down towards the water, and then..."

"SNAP! The water exploded. A huge geyser of pure crocodilian muscle came shooting out of the water. Nobody was exaggerating; he was at least 20 feet long, maybe even more. The great brute was as thick around as the Heavy, probably more. He could have eaten me up with one bite and still have room for desert. He rose up out of the water until its eyes were level with mine as it rose up and I swear that it marked me with those scaly green eyes of its. It knew I was there the entire time, and it was just playing with me."

"So what did you do?" The Scout was bouncing up and down.

"What I bloody well should have in the first place. I got down from that tree like my pants were on fire and ran back to my van parked far away. I slept there that night with my hand on my rifle, I could barely sleep. That night I swore I could hear noises, heavy footsteps and swishing noises. Something bumped my van that night, I could hear the metal groan. The next morning when it was light out, I stepped outside and do you know what I saw? Crocodile marks. You can tell because they have the big scaly feet and the snaking track they leave by their massive tails. It was circling around my van that night and I must have been parked at least a mile away, It was personal now. I had to kill the beastie or it would get me first.

"I waited that day, crocs don't come out in the middle of the day, it's too warm. Instead I waited. I waited at my van because I was sure it would be back. I made one trip down the the water and back so it would have my scent. Them I laid in wait. Nightfall doesn't come quickly when you wait for it mate. All that day I planned, I had my knife and I lay flat on the roof of my fan, my eyes towards the river where I knew that the beast would be coming any minute now."

The Sniper let his words grind to a halt, relishing the look of anticipation on the Scout's face. He paused for a moment, grinning like a fox as he savored the moment.

As the sun went down, I heard a soft noise, like the rustle of cloth on skin. I had nearly dozed off but clear as day I saw it, the great crocodile waddling towards my van. It snuffed, letting out a big breath, then it began to circle my van. It dwarfed the vehicle. As it passed by the door, I hung overtop waiting for the right moment for me to strike. I had my gun in hand with the night sight on. As it passed under me, I raised my rifle and aimed right at the middle of his head.

BANG!

I shot him twice in the head and he stopped moving, so I went over to get a closed look. I had just passed by his head when he wiped his head around and tried to snap at my ankle! I had my knife and I tackled the croc to close its jaws.

I landed on his back and I knew I didn't have much time. I grasped for his head and caught his muzzle with my arms. His toothy mouth was nearly large around as my arms. He was growling and roaring up a storm. He started to roll."

"Scout, have you ever seen a croc's death roll?"

"No, what's that."

"Well, when they catch your arm or your leg, they'll roll and you know what happens then? Your arm or leg or whatever they have gets ripped off."

"Oh my gawd"

"Yeah, I wasn't caught, but I had it's jaw clamped shut and so the monster thought it could throw me off by rolling. He slammed me into the ground, felt dazed. It kept rolling, crushing my leg underneath it cutting my pants to ribbons.

"That's when I hit at the croc. I needed to stab the thing right in the eye to kill it right. Once it stopped rolling it opened its jaw to snap up me leg. That was when I struck. Down on its right side, I lifted my knife and drove it right into the beast's right eye. It let out a rumbling groan as it finally started to die."

I held on to it, straddling it's jaws once more so I could be sure it wasn't going to eat me.

"Didn't ya get hurt?"

"Course I did, but I was full of adrenaline. Once the animal died I finally realized how hurt I was. That crocodile's skin tore up the inside of my legs, scrapes all over my right side where he'd tried to roll me over, and to top it off, he gave me this"

The Sniper rolled up his sleeve and showed the Scout the deep scar that slashed down his right bicep. It was white and raised, bumpy against the smooth muscle of his arm.

"Owch man"

"Yeah, owch. Didn't watch his teeth well enough, but I got his tooth so fair's fair."

"You took one of his teeth?"

"Souvenir and all that. It's on me other hat."

"That tooth must be huge!"

"I think it's the size of your index finger" The Scout lifted his finger and stared at it imagining the shape of the tooth. "Did you know I used to get calls from people in the city?"

"About what? Crocodiles in their toilets or some shit like that?"

"Actually yeah. They like to live in the sewers, eating rats and other things like that. They're stealthy so people don't catch them till they get really big, or someone disappears."

The Scout froze, he took the sewer rout all the time at Doublecross. "How do you tell if one's there?"

"They just look like logs, or debris. You could mistake one for a piece of rotted wood, until it opens its eyes."

"Haha," The Scout laughed nervously, "Now you're just messin with me."

"It's true." The Sniper's voice went low, "Crocs can live in the sewers and you won't even know until they've got their teeth around your ankle."

"Well it's been great chit chatting with you but I've got to run to go get some…" Scout looked around, "food. I'm so starving right now. You need anything? No you don't. Bye!"

Blu Scout dashed away, looking around like a startled rabbit. The Sniper only finished cleaning his knife before putting it in its sheath.

He could tell stories pretty well when he felt like it. He could be a writer once he retired. Sci-Fi would be interesting to work on. The Sniper leaned back and smirked. Okay, that last one was a lie. It was worth it though; it might get the Scout to move even faster in the tunnels. After all, there sure weren't crocs, but the tentaspies were killer.


	6. Mercy to the Medic

_Now I'm gonna write something sad. Or is it angsty? I'm still trying to work on dialogue but it's still not working. Solution? Hit it with a wrench._

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><p>It was called, a glitch. Deaths were glitches in the system and were to be treated as nothing else. Common causes were temporary blackouts, intentional sabotage of the respawn system, and out of bounds assassination.<p>

The Blu Medic's head swam ass he rose back into consciousness. His entire body throbbed with every heartbeat. The lights, they were too bright. His skin felt tight and stung with every movement from bruises and cuts making meandering paths along his limbs. Squinting, he could see three shapes standing in front of him. It was a shame he'd lost his glasses. Their voices cut into his mind like pieces of ice. Whatever they had to say, it wasn't going to be good.

"We glitch him. Simple."

"You, you mean for real? We're gonna take him out?"

"Whot do you mean we? You do it."

"I aint no murderer!"

"You seemed to 'ave no problem batting him in ze head."

"Look, if you're going to be such a bloody wuss I'll just drive him out tonight."

"Take ze kid."

"Screw you ya fat frog."

The Medic lifted his head as the Spy left the room. His head throbbed remembering the Scout's bat. His medipack was removed and he wasn't regenerating health any more. Stretching his shoulders, the Medic tried to relieve the ache in his arms. Grimacing, he realized that his hands were tied behind his back to the chair he was sitting on. Looking down at his lab coat, he saw the many bloodstains swimming under his gaze.

"Hey." The Sniper's shadow fell over the Medic's body. He nudged the Medic's head with a glass. Flinching from the Snipers hand, the Medic glanced up warily. "Drink it"

Opening his mouth, the Medic let some of the cool liquid flow over his parched tongue, washing away the taste of copper and bile. All too soon, the glass was emptied. He let his tongue hang partially out of his mouth to catch the remaining moisture still left on his lips. He watched silently as the Sniper settled into a chair across the room from him, putting his feet up on a desk and pulling out a worn novel. He ignored the Medic totally at home in the blue-floored room.

When he had first been captured, the Medic was storming the enemy base with the Heavy. They were close to the intelligence when a sentry took down the Heavy. He had been overconfident and had faced down the Sentry's brutal rockets only to lose and vanish to respawn.

Frustrated, the Blu Medic had made a dash for the red intelligence. They were so close to the intelligence room he hated to miss the oppourtunity. He wasn't like the Red Medic, always abandoning his Heavy and teammates in the heat of battle.

He had just reached the intelligence when,

"Medic!"

The Medic turned around in shock to see the Scout run into the room. He was bleeding badly and was limping, running much slower than usual.

"Scout, Vat are you doing?"

"Shut up and help me out man! I'm freaking dying here."

As the Medic pulled out his medigun, the Scout moved to grab the intelligence.

"One Second, Ze Engineer has a sentry up so you vill have to-"

The cold edge of a butterfly knife rested on the Medic's pressed collar. Hardly daring to breath, the Medic held himself stock-still. "Verdamed Spies."

"Oh doctor, we meet again. You know, the last time I disguised myself as you, I managed to backstab your morbidly obese friend at least three times. You really need to start watching your back better." He chuckled at his joke.

"You need to start bathing. With all that perfume of yours you just light up like a match." The Medic moved his arm to reach for his bonesaw. Pulling away from the Spy's grasp, he turned on his heel to swing the saw at the Spy's head.

The Spy grabbed the Medic's arm, twisting it. Gasping in pain the Medic dropped the saw. Struggling to pull back his arm, the Medic was unable to stop the spy from disguising as the Medic. There was a sickening moment as he looked into the eyes of his enemy before he was hit with a swift blow to the head. As he crumbled he heard the ringing of a bullet. He was unconscious before he felt the impact.

When he woke up again, he was being carried. He was slung over somebody's shoulder like a sack of flour. He fought back a wave of nausea as his head knocked on the back of a large body with each step they took. The Heavy? No, the shirt...was red. His eyes flew open in panic. He wasn't wearing his glasses and everything he saw was a red and grey blur.

"Mein gott get avay from me!" He struggled in the enemy Heavy's grip, arms flailing and grasping. He raised his left arm to strike at the Heavy's head when he felt the limb crumble. He was suddenly all too aware of the bullet wound in his left scapula. It likely chipped the bone. It meant the Medic was it too much pain too soon.

"Puny Medic should stay still." He felt the vibrations of the man's low voice. As the Medic raised his head, he could make out a fast moving metal object. It rung as it collided with his head. The Medic groaned and stopped moving. It took so much effort to keep his eyes open.

"There, he stopped!"

"Was not good idea. If he dies he respawns."

"Oh crap oh crap oh crap! I think I gave him brain damage! Do you have a health pack? Shit!"

Through half lidded eyes, he say flickers of light and blurs of blue and gray. He felt like he was floating as he was carried and sat down in a chair.

As his arms were yanked behind him and died he began to come back to his senses. His mind was racing. He had to escape immediately! He had just started kicking at the chair leg hoping to do something to get free when the Spy walked in.

"Hello Doctor. I'm here to get some information."

There was no pleasant way to describe torture. The concussion was a boon in some way. He could barely remember anything. There was pain, so much pain. Everything felt angry, his head buzzed like it was full of wasps and his skin was crawling with trailing cuts and bruises. His leg was probably broken at the fibula. It would take at least two months to heal naturally.

That brought him to his present situation. Tied to a bloodied chair in tattered clothing waiting to be brought to a swift execution. What a horrible day.

Any time he tried to free his arms, the Sniper would lower his book and just stare at him. It wasn't the staring that bothered him so much as the knife that he was holding.

After a time, the Medic heard the sounds of boot steps. The Demoman walked into the room, swinging his bottle. The Medic was not fond of the Red Demoman. He was definitely not fond of the reds, but the Demoman and his sticky bombs held a special place in the Medic's mind.

"Ey Sniper!" He sounded happy. Drunk happy.

The Sniper didn't look up from his book but sent a wave over. "Hey there Demo. Whotchya here for?"

"Dinner time, I'm here to take over for you." The Demoman situated himself on top of the desk across from the Medic and took a swig of his bottle. "I'm not so drunk that I can't look after a tied prisoner. Ha, I'm not even drunk!"

Medic felt his stomach gurgle. He hadn't eaten since breakfast the other day. He might be able to ask the Demoman for some food. If the Red was drunk enough, he might leave him alone and he could escape.

The Sniper sighed and shook his head as he got out of his chair. "Whatever you say. I'll come back in an hour or so."

"Take your time!" The Demoman yelled as the door closed behind the Sniper. "Now mister Blu Medic, how are you doing?"

He must have been drunk. Medic squinted and pursed his lips in frustration; he could barely make out the Demoman's features. Was he playing a joke? It may have been the Spy coming to warp his mind. He kept his mouth shut.

"Strong silent type, eh? That's okay." There was a pause. The Medic was still trying to determine what is motive was.

"I'm a simple man. Sure I live in a mansion, but I wans't born into it. Me dad had jobs, jobs upon jobs to make it in America. Tought me how to brew my scrumpy! You know, when you're drinking you feel immortal. Then you realize you're human. One day I'm gonna die and when I meet my maker it won't be a proud day. If you're a religious man, I can get you a bible. There's one in me room. I've read it every night here." He paused and took a swig of his drink before continuing on.

"I'm a bloody cyclops. Do you know how old I am? Ancient! I was visiting my mother last week and do you know what she said? When am I having kids. Bless her heart. I couldn't face a woman with these bloody hands."

"I'm a killer. I killed a man in cold blood." The Demoman put his head in his hands. "Do you know what I mean doc? I killed a man and he didn't come back."

"Why are you telling me zis?" The medic croaked bitterly. It was humiliating. He was going to die, and some black cyclops was weeping his heart out to him like some sort of woman.

"Who knows. I've got to get some stuff of me chest. We're all humans."

The Demoman pulled over the desk chair and sat across from the Medic to look him in the eyes. The Medic looked into the clear brown eyes of the Red Demoman. "I want to give you a chance to speak before you die."

The Medic sniffed, "And what makes you think I need zat?" He didn't need to be pittied. War had costs. He didn't regret anything, except for one thing.

"Everyone needs to talk. Everyone wants somebody to listen. I'm not judging."

The two men sat across from each other in a silent stalemate. The Medic he would just tell the other man so he would stop bothering him. It would almost be better that the Sniper and his enormous knife were here. He sighed and licked his lips.

"Let me have water. I need water to speak."

"Take this instead." The Demoman raised the bottle to the Medic's lips. He held the back of the Medic's head to help him swallow the burning liquid. The tenderness of the action made the liqueur taste only more bitter on his tongue.

Looking over the Demo's shoulder the Medic coughed, "It's not nearly as good as German beer"

"Before I went into this farce of a war, I vas a doctor in Germany. I learned at ze prestigious Heidelberg University.I vas studying with mein best friend Bernhard. We were both 22, young then. I vas interested in surgery vhile he was more suited to treating disease. He was a handsome man."

The Medic let himself get lost in the memories of his best friend before the Demoman prompted him. "What happened?"

"He got vhat we now call, depression. He wasn't like the rest of the medical students. He was more sensitive than the others. He started to let his marks slip. I was the top student in the classes so I tutored him. I helped his scrape by for an entire year. We were studying one night when he asked the unthinkable."

"I was working in the surgery department so I had access to the anaesthetics and pain medications. Bernhard had been stealing pain medications for the last year, but he had been moved to a different department. He asked me to steal for him. I was upset. I yelled at him, if he was caught he would be expelled and he would not get a job.

"Because he was so different, he was teased by some of the others. I saw he had cuts and bruises, but I didn't say anything. He didn't bring it up and I didn't question him. It was simple."

"We were studying late at night and he said to me, 'Andle, will you do me a favor'."

"What sort of favour?" The Demoman asked

"I told him I would do anything for him. Then he asked. He asked me, 'Will you euthanize me?'" The Medic felt his heartbeat quicken as he said those words. The words that ruined his life.

Frowning the Red Demoman tried to remember the meaning of those words.

"He asked me to kill him." The Medic choked on those words. He hadn't admitted that to anyone. Euthanize was a kinder word, it sounded pleasent. More pleasant than seeing the life drain out of a friend.

"But you didn't do that, did you?"

"I did."

"He-"

"I did it. It was easy, I gave him an overdose. I don't know why I did it. He was miserable and that was the only way I knew I could help him. So I said yes. The next day, I took a syringe, a vial, and a pair of gloves. We went up to his room and he got ready for bed. It was almost surreal.

"He was lying in his bed in his blue pyjamas. He had the most beautiful blue eyes you know, and light blond hair. I was no looked in comparison. He looked like an angel as he rolled up his sleeve so I could inject him."

"Doc-"

"Let me finish." The Medic snapped. He was lost in the memory. He continued feverishly. "He laughed when I disinfected the injection site. It was a force of habit. It was the first time he had laughed in quite some time. I asked him again once I had the needle ready. I wanted him to say no. I pleaded with him to say no.

"When I injected into his vein, he smiled at me and whispered his thanks. I kissed his forehead and he closed his eyes while I tucked the covers in around him. He was just sleeping I reassured myself. I held his hand. I held his hand the entire verdamned time! Those minutes were total agony. I could hear each breath going slower and slower."

The Medic's head throbbed, his mouth was dry but he didn't care. He couldn't wipe the tears away from his eyes, he could only let them un down his face, tracing the aged contours of his face.

"Why didn't I say no!" He was shouting now. "I could have stopped that. I willingly killed my best friend. He was vulnerable and I was there. He just needed help and I just stabbed him in ze back!" He felt his body shake, he'd never told anyone about that. Why now, in the face of death he felt it was okay to let his mouth run?

"He wasn't right in the head Doc. I think you know that." The Demoman stood up and walked around the room. "You know, I think the two of us are similar in ways."

"A sadistic doctor and a black cyclops? Please continue."

"We both need somebody to listen. We're all human. I'm red, you're blue, but we're both humans. I'm not sorry I've blown you to smithereens nearly every day, but I'm sorry you have to die like this."

The Medic fell silent. He was still going to die. With a wry smile, he turned his head to the Demoman. "Zen let me have one last drink before I go."

"With pleasure my friend."

The Medic found himself soon blindfolded. He was in the back of the Sniper's van as they rattled over the dusty road. He felt, well he didn't quite know. He felt the most afraid he'd ever been and his body throbbed and stung with every bump in the road but he also felt peaceful. His talk with the Demoman had made his feel better in a way. He just sat still as he listened to the tinny muffled sounds of the radio.

Before he was ready, he heard the van stop and the doors opened. His blindfold was tugged off and he was dragged limping out of the Sniper and the Scout were there, silhouetted against the blue and purple sky. The sun was just beginning to set and the red and brown rocks were highlighted bright red.

"Vhat a beautiful time to die."

"Augh, don't be all creepy like that man!"

"Man up Scout." The Sniper set his jaw and lead the Medic off a couple meters from the van. "Doctor, if you run I will not hesitate to shoot you in the foot and draw this out. So stay still."

"Run? With Zis leg?"

The Medic stared past the Snipers aviators defiantly. It was funny, the knowledge of certain death made him brave again. So fragile is the human mind. The Sniper and the Scout backed up so that they were by the van.

"Come on Scout we don't have all day."

Medic ignored them to look at the setting sun. It was so beautiful. Rather poetic too if he said so himself. The sunset wasn't perfect though, there were thick clouds covering the sun's rays.

"One second man, couldn't you do it? You're pretty good with head shots."

"No, I've killed dozens of men. It's time to grow up."

"One more couldn't hurt. Seriously, I don't want to do this."

"Then why'd you come."

"Because..."

"There isn't room for weaklings on this team."

"Fine then!" The Medic looked the Scout in the eye as he took out his pistol. He was trembling, inching closer and closer as if Medic were the one who had the gun. "Don't move Doc!"

The Scout put the cold metal of the gun beside the Medic's head. The Scout was shorter than the Medic so he had to raise his arm to get his gun to reach. The Sniper shouted from the van.

"Get him to kneel!"

The Scout looked behind him nervously. "Umm, if you don't mind..."

The Medic knelt, and enjoyed the reprieve on his twisted leg. He still looked up at the Scout's eyes. The Scout was in obvious torment. In a moment of mercy, the Medic whispered up at the Scout.

"It's okay Scout. You should really get zis over with."

"Shut up, I don't need your help." He was starting to hyperventilate.

"Slow your breathing down or you're going to pass out." He didn't feel anxious anymore. Just tired, it was a long day and he just needed a bit of rest.

"Don't rush me!...I'm really sorry" He whispered, not making eye contact.

The Medic paused, the Scout was sorry? He gave a wry smile, a killer asking for mercy. That was precious. Then he remembered the Demoman and how kind he was. The Red Scout was still young and the first kill was always the worst, "I forgive you."

The Sniper drummed his fingers on the steering wheel as the shot rang out. The Scout shuffled slowly towards the van, wiping his eyes on the bandages on his hands. They drove back to the base in silence, leaving the blue corpse behind them on the dusty red ground.


	7. Sea Sick

_Very quickly written from a prompt I saw somewhere on the internet_

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><p>A boat. Who in their right minds would place the Blu team on a boat? It was precarious to say the least. Because apparently air travel was too expensive, they were being send by a slow moving metal craft all the way to Egypt from America. Of course, the boat was just barely big enough for them all to fit on. There was a small crew, but if they saw any of the Blus, they would hide quickly. No doubt notified of some of the team's violent behaviour.<p>

The week before, they had been faxed a set of ground rules to follow on the week long boat trip.

1. No projectiles, explosives, or other weapons which could puncture the ship's hull

2. Do not kill each other

3. Do not kill the crew

4. Any major complaints should be sucked up. You are men. Act like it.

5. Equipment will be stored in ship under lock and key.

The Medic rested his head on his arms. He was in his cabin with the lights out lying on his stomach. To be quite honest it wasn't working. It felt like the boat was going up and down like a roller coaster ride but he was continually reassured, it was just minor waves. If his medications and kritzkreig wern't locked in the hull he would have been happily drugged in his cabin. But no, he was absolutely wretched in the belly of the boat.

Yesterday had been unpleasant. The Scout was twitchy. He hadn't been able to run since they entered the ship and as a result, was letting his mouth run three times as fast. He would run up and down the stairs from the hold and the cabins, to the deck and back. Often running straight into the Engineer who made regular trips between his cabin and the deck for fresh air.

The Soldier was proud to swagger across the deck of the boat and mutter obscenities about how un-American egypt was. He would get in shouting matches with the Demoman who would also stare out into the water, not out of sickness but in wonder. He loved the ocean but was very suspicious, searching the water for sea monsters. The Sniper liked to sit at the back of the boat in a chair in the sun. He would sit with the Spy and they would talk about things, literature, battle, and other assassin like topics.

The pyro was in his room, and hadn't come out nearly the entire trip. The Medic was doing the same, but to a limited effect.

Curled up on his bunk, he tried to close his eyes but all he could feel was the methodical rocking back and forth of the boat. His head pounded with the rhythm of the swaying and he felt like his stomach was always halfway up his throat. When he'd managed to drift to sleep he could feel the invasive rocking within his dreams, sending his stumbling to the dingy ship's bathroom to empty his stomach.

When he was done, he'd splashed his face with water, he'd broken into sweats. His entire body felt feverish and dizzy. Gathering his strength, he'd finally managed to drag himself down the stairs to his room when they were hit with an especially large wave, throwing the Medic down the stairs into the Heavy's massive body. Blinking owlishly, he'd grasped for the railing when his ears were assaulted by the unusually loud voice of the Heavy.

"Medic must be more careful. Is dangerous to fall down stairs. Then Medic would be needing other Medic, Ha." He chuckled good naturedly as he lifted the medic to his feet.

Medic swayed and clutch the railing. "Well zank you but I must be returning to my cabin."

"No!" The Medic winced at the Heavy's loud voice. "Is not good to be stuck in tiny room."

"Really? Have you been on so many boats Herr Heavy?"

"Nyet," The Heavy paused to think, "Demoman said is better to look outside. Will make doktor feel better."

Before the Medic could protest he was herded up the stairs and plunked down by the rail facing the horizon. Clamping his lips shut to block out the nausea, the Medic stared out at the water. It was a dull shade of grey and blue, frothy with white foam. He could see the horizon rising and sinking, he looked down and saw the bottom of the boat being swallowed by the grungy water and he felt like he was falling.

A cold sweat broke out on the Medic's forehead he clutched the flimsy rail till his knuckles were white. He had abandoned his gloves long ago, they only served to collect moisture and sea salt. He squeezed his eyes together in a panic, tensing his shoulders. He nearly cried out when he felt a large warm hand rest on his shoulders. He groaned and let the warmth come through his white shirt and vest. His head hung down as the Heavy rubbed comforting circles over the Medic's shoulder blades.

"Is better now?"

The Medic relaxed his shoulders and looked up groggily at the Heavy, "Ja."

They stood there for a while, the Medic staring out at the water trying to inwardly quell the feelings of rolling sickness and the Heavy standing beside, hand on the Medic's shoulder. He was just becoming used to the swell of the waves and he had closed his eyes to relax. Only to open his eyes in a panic.

He coughed over the side of the deck, stomach heaving as he let loose the last of his stomach contents. His throat spasmed and he gripped the rail once again as he was shaken by his sickness. When he was done, he sat on the deck of the boat, trying to ignore the sour taste in his mouth. He felt so tired, he leaned back into the Heavy, trying to collect himself.

"I'm sorry, ugh. Zat was disgusting." He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Doctor should stay here." The Heavy moved away and the Medic leaned into him as he moved from the Doctor's side. "I will go get water. Do not worry, back soon."

The Medic sat on the ground and stared determined at the horizon. He was not going to let an inner ear problem bother him. He had just decided to get up when he found himself staring somewhat at the Scout's crotch. Looking up, he saw the runner wringing his hands, bouncing up and down on his heals. The Medic groaned, he didn't need more movement to focus on.

"Man you look terrible! I didn't know you German guys could turn that colour of green." The Scout spoke quickly, not looking directly at the Medic. "It is so boring on this floating piece of junk. There's nowhere to run! Can you believe that? Bullshit right? Anyways, I was talking with the Sniper and the Spy and they were talking about poetry! What a bunch of fruits, am I right? Of course I am."

Ignoring the Scout, the Medic tried to block out the extra noise. He had a headache, most likely from dehydration. A headache did not help the nausea. It seemed like a vicious circle, with the Scout acting as amplification. He was about to threaten the Scout with decapitation when there was military like stomp of boots.

"Scout! Drop and give me twenty!" The Soldier bellowed. Perfect, that was just perfect.

"Screw you! I don't have to listen to you man."

"You will follow the orders of your superiors."

"Why's that huh?"

"You must be kept fit in case of a sneak attack from the Reds." The Soldier clutched his shovel. He'd snuck in the back of his jacket. Ingenious if insane.

"Look at this!" The Scout's voice rose and the Medic's head throbbed. "There is nothing out here to attack us."

"Nothing but the Kraken." The Demoman stated in a serious tone. He'd gotten up to join the group.

"What the hell's a cray-ken. One of your made up friends?"

"Oh he's real boyo. A sea beastie larger than this boat. Big enough to wrap around up and drag us to the briny depths." The Demoman wagged his finger in warning. "I've seen one once. On the boat to America when I was just a lad. We were sailing and off in the distance I saw a fishing boat just sitting there on the water. Then!"

"What!" The Soldier barked at the Demoman, shouting over the Scout.

"I saw tentacles thick as the mast reach out and wrap around the boat. More tentacles rose out out of the water to grasp at the boat. It embraced the doomed ship in its slimy arms and crushed it like it was made of match sticks."

"No way."

"I saw it with me own eye!" He pointed at his eye in emphasis. "The monster had a dirty great mouth full of teeth and it plucked the survivors out of the water. Chomped them like popcorn. I could hear the crunch from across the water."

"Nothing good old fashioned American ROCKETS couldn't handle!" The Soldier barked.

The Demoman looked at the Soldier, affronted. "No, the only way to kill a thing like that is a grenade."

"Rocket"

"Grenade"

"Rocket you pansy!"

"Grenade you brain battered idiot!"

"Couldn't we just swim away or shoot it between the eyes?"

"NO!"

By Now the Medic had his head in his hands. It was just too much noise, to loud. The wind was increasing and the Medic could feel the slight increase in the size of the waves. His stomach rose in his throat as the fighting escalated. He could feel his heartbeat resounding in his head, in every blood vessel in his body. Dear god he would swim to Egypt to make the tormenting waves stop.

"Everybody should be quiet!" The Heavy burst onto the scene. He held a mug dwarfed in his large hand. The Soldier and the Demoman paused, hands at each others throats. The Scout froze and ran, dashing behind the large Russian to bother somebody else.

"He started it." The Soldier jabbed the Demoman in the shoulder.

"Does not matter who started fight. I finish fight." The Heavy glowered at the quibbling mercenaries. Realizing a lost fight, the two moved to go cause havoc somewhere else. Extending a hand, the Heavy helped the Medic to his feet.

"Danke." The Medic leaned heavily on the railing, holding the steaming mug in his hands. He took a cautious sip, tasting the mild tea, slightly sweetened. "You didn't need to."

"Doctor takes care of us, sometimes we must take care of doctor." He placed his hand once again on the Medics back and moved to stand next to him.

Taking another sip, the Medic leaned against the wall of muscle that was the Heavy. He focused his attention once more on the horizon. The sun glinting off the water and foaming white caps. He could feel the wind moving through his hair and the material of his shirt and vest. The sea salt speckled his face and misted his arms. The Heavy remained beside him, heat radiating through his vest. He might be able to deal with the ocean if he had the Heavy to stand beside.


	8. Reaching New Heights

**Reaching new Heights**

_ Just some Helmet Party_

The Red Soldier stood on the empty ground, clutching his rocket launcher with white knuckles. He was alone in the clearing, his Red jacket contrasting heavily with the green trees.

"Come on Maggot, you are stronger than this!" The soldier shouted at himself. He tensed his body and turned his rocket launcher to his feet to launch into the sky, but then. He froze.

He wasn't worried about hurting himself. He'd fought tens of thousands of men in his time! He had taken out a bullet by himself with nothing but a pair of chop sticks. He'd spilt blood on every god forsaken non American corner of the earth, but the sky? No.

"Argh God damn it." Throwing down his helmet with a solid thunk, the Soldier cursed and stomped his boots. "You are a lily livered coward. Just launch yourself in the air and stop being a pansy!"

His red face was twisted in frustration as he rained curses upon himself. One last time, he'd show the Blue coward who was better. Once again he placed the helmet on his head, took up his rocket launcher and widened his stance.

"On the count of three! One...Two...Thr-" He screwed his eyes shut as he crouched to jump. No fear, no fear.

"Hey Solly!" The Engineer walked from around the corned.

"AAH!" He fired the rocket, propelling himself a short distance. He waved his arms and legs in the air frantically before dropping to the ground. He landed with a whumph, knocking the air out of his lungs. He was lying on his stomach, arms and legs skewed. From beneith his helmet, he saw the Engineer run up to him.

"Gee, I'm sorry there. Didn't mean to startle you." The Engineer reached down to help the Soldier up but he was brushed off.

"Your sympathies are not needed private. I am not so injured that I can't get up myself." The Soldier pulled himself up and started to dust off his jacket and pants. He started to walk forward but was stopped by a twanging pain in his leg. He frowned and stared at his leg, traitor.

"You know, I was just experimenting with my dispenser over there around the building, care to take a look? I'm thinking of replacing the type of rocket the Level 3 uses." The Engineer causally dropped. It was the easiest way of dealing with the Soldier.

"Fine idea. Just give me one second." The Soldier grunted and hobbled over to the dispenser where he leaned casually against it. It was leaning, it wasn't relief at having bruises and scrapes healed. He sighed in relief before coming over to examine the rockets the Sentry gun used.

The Engineer moved next to him, holding the rocket launcher of the disassembled sentry gun. "Now I've modelled the sentry gun after your standard rocket launcher. But, I was thinking of changing it perhaps to the Direct Hit. It's faster and more accurate."

"That sounds like an excellent idea private!" The Soldier had no idea. He used the Liberty Launcher. It had the name of liberty and freedom in it! It was also much more fun to kill more people at once. "In fact, why don't you have two types of gun in your gun. Half standard rocket launcher, half Direct hit."

"Huh," The Engineer mulled it over. "That actually sounds like a decent idea if I could fit the two of them in. Let me see your rocket launcher."

"Negatory. I cannot do that." Soldier hid the rocket launcher behind his back. It looked exactly like his standard rocket launcher but it was called the Jumper. It was designed to teach how to rocket jump. It would be humiliating for Engineer to find out his weakness.

"Now why not?"

"..." The Soldier looked around for an excuse, not looking the Engineer in the eye. "It needs to be cleaned. The Art of War clearly states that uh...all fighting materials must be kept prefect in working order."

"No it doesn't."

"Yes it does!"

"Solly" The Engineer pointed his finger at the Soldier. He gulped, the Soldier hated when the Engineer did that. It reminded him too much of...well every figure of authority he'd ever known. The Engineer was not in charge of him. Only he told himself what to do.

"Make me!" The Soldier took his rocket launcher in hand and shot a blast at his feet, trying to rocket jump away. Not like a coward of course, a tactical retreat.

He landed flat on his back, the air knocked out of him. The Engineer ran over to the Soldier and picked up the fallen rocket launcher, turning it in his hands. As the Soldier adjusted his helmet and got to his feet he had to admit, the Engineer looked pretty good handling a his gun. The Soldier felt his face flush under the helmet as the Engineer stared him down.

"Soldier, This isn't your rocket launcher. What is this?" The Engineer rolled the rocket launcher in his hands, examining the reloading mechanism and the increased ammo space.

"It's called a tactical advantage." The Soldier got up and dusted himself off once again. "I am going to rocket jump much better than that sorry Blu disgrace of a Soldier!"

The Soldier reached for the Rocket launcher but the Engineer held it tantalizingly out of reach. "Now why would you want to do something crazy like that?"

"Are you calling me scared? I am no coward. I am going to launch myself in the air and smash my boots into the brains of the blu team." The Soldier snapped in frustration. He didn't need the Engineer to make fun of him.

"Calm yourself down. I saw you trying to rocket jump earlier."

"You did?" The Soldier got quiet and looked at the ground. The Engineer saw how much of a failure he was? Oh no, that was not good at all. His voice was gruff as he snatched back his rocket launcher "Well then, I'll just leave...go practice over by those trees. Stop bothering you."

He plodded off, newly found gunboats pinching his toes. He whirled around when he felt the Engineer tap him on his shoulder. "Now you don't have to leave Solly."

"Yes I do. You go build your sentry. I can do this alone."

"Dangnabbit, you can't keep going off on your own like this."

"And why not? I am perfectly capable of acting like an adult and sorting out my own problems." The Soldier began to raise his voice, letting himself grip his rocket launcher tighter.

"You're acting like a kid." The Engineer frowned and pulled back his arms.

"Kids are afraid of heights, Kids are afraid of fire and guns. I am not a child Engineer and do NOT treat me like one!" The Soldier was screaming. He was red faced and angry.

As he breathed hard, he clenched his jaw, as he saw the Engineer just send him a look before walking off towards the base. The Soldier's mind was still red hot. Ha, take that Engineer, nobody told the Soldier what to do! He was invincible. Now that he was alone he could start training again. He gritted his teeth and started staring at his training rocket launcher.

As he once again prepared to send himself into the sky, he focused on the image of flying. Then he saw the Engineer's face. He felt a strange feeling of guilt. But why would he feel like that? It wasn't his fault. The Engineer should have given him some more space. He didn't need to be babied.

He shook his head and crouched once again ready to jump. He'd give himself a countdown. Three...Two...On- perhaps he was wrong to yell at the Engineer. Wait, he needed to focus. But the Engineer was just trying to help, he might have somehow offended the Engineer. He was a strange man, always working with machines. He had probably taken some sort of strange offence to some of the Soldier's civil words.

He would go, explain how the Engineer was being completely irrational then he could jump in peace. As he thought, the Soldier walked towards the base mentally rehearsing what he would say. He would say, Engineer it appears you took offence at what I said. That's rediculous. Man up! Yeah, perfect.

The Soldier fidgited at the door of the Engineer's workshop. He knocked on the door in bold knocks.

"Hello?" The Soldiers stomach jumped. Okay, it was easy. Just go in and explain.

"Umm, it's me." Damnit! Men didn't say 'Um!'

The Engineer didn't turn around from the metal he was welding. He snapped angrily. "What is it Soldier?"

"It occurs to me you took offence at what I said." Too late, the Soldier realized the impact of his words.

"Really?" The Engineer took off his welding mask but held the still burning torch in his hand. "You know that some people on this base actually care about their team mates?"

"Of course! I make sure everyone is in top fighting order." The Engineer signed and walked over to the Soldier.

"Not like that. You're a hell of a guy Soldier but sometimes I swear your head is so far in the clouds." The Engineer moved closer to the Soldier.

"That was the point! Rocket jumping gets you in the clouds!" He was confused. What in the hell was the Engineer getting at?

"Argh! You are so god damned infuriating. You hurt my feeling Soldier, plain and simple. Now either I get an apology or I will personally kick your behind out of here so fast your grandmother will feel it!" The Engineer had his face pushed against the Soldier's face. His brow was wrinkled and the Soldier could see the eyes behind the welding goggles. They looked angry and hurt.

He opened his mouth and his eyes started watering as he said, "Engineer you are burning my hand!"

The Engineer looked down to see, he had left his torch in and it had set the Soldier's jacket on fire. "Aw Hell." Beating the sleeve with a rag, the Engineer extinguished the flames and examined the blistered flesh.

"You idiot, why didn't you tell me sooner?" He saw the Soldier on a work bench and got up to move the dispenser.

"You were talking and I was supposed to listen." The Engineer paused as he thought that through.

"Yeah, but not when you're on fire."

"I wanted to say...sorry." The Soldier looked at the floor. The Engineer smiled and sat next to the Soldier.

"Thank you Soldier, that means a lot to me."

"Hey! Now don't you be getting mushy and womanly around me. Decreased morale means decreased performance." The Soldier wiped his eyes with his unburnt sleeve. "Also, I only cried because I was on fire. The smoke burned my eyes."

"Whatever you say." The Engineer sat on the bench and took in the comforting glow of the dispenser.

* * *

><p>The next day the gates opened at Gorge and Red Soldier burst out the door. He pulled out his rocket launcher, took a deep breath, and jumped. He was propelled into the air. Clenching his teeth, repressing the urge to panic, he focused on his landing. He smiled as he landed with a splat. His gunboats landed directly on the skull of the unsuspecting Blu Soldier.<p>

He laughed in exhilaration and flashed a thumbs up at the Engineer. It was his best rocket jump ever. He felt like he was going to do it a lot more often. After all, it felt good to deliver a nice solid American boot to the head.


End file.
